If Allah wants goodness for you, He gives you knowledge of His religion

(on Tawakkul, and why I live where I live now)

Half of you know me, so you know that I’m somewhere in the north west of England, on the outskirts of Liverpool.

I moved here in 2018. I’m still in the same rented 893-square feet house. Tiny, the daintiest of the dainty houses, but well-loved.

(Above: My living room in 2018, Below: Same living room in 2020, Not pictured: How it looks completely different in 2023 because I re-dress my rented house constantly to make it home!

PS: 70% of my furniture are second-hand thrifts - one of my pathological hobbies)

I didn’t expect that I would stay; I eventually completed my training last year, and we were open to moving again.

I told my husband, I think we should move to a Muslim country. Back home? Dubai? Manchester?

At the time, I was trying out the hijab and felt out of place (that’s another story for me to tell), thinking that moving somewhere Muslim-dominant, life would be perhaps easier.

The news was that the healthcare system back home was rocky; my medical friends fighting for their contracts (or the lack of one); going private, or going into non-clinical posts, and my role of a low-key family specialist was a little uncertain. You can be the head of a Klinik Kesihatan, Ainna!, said Milly, a dear friend of mine who herself was working in one.

I like that idea, me being head of something, somewhere where I know nothing about the system. I looked at the pre-requisite logbook. Uhm, ok, looks like I just need to stop chickenin’ out and get into tagging.

I’ve always aimed for “perfection” and throughout my growing years, I was anxious when things didn’t go my way. Not enough to be clinically anxious, but anxious enough to be a sullen person; I caused unnecessary stress and misery to my life, I schemed of new ways to create of what almost could be perfect to my definition. It exhausted me.

Then, I discovered a group of girls on AAPlus and day by day, I was in awe with their akhlak; just generally how they carried themselves around each other, and in life. I re-learned about Islam. I discovered Tawakkul.

To fully 100% trust in Allah.

I’m not going to say that I changed the way I lived life the next day. I didn’t.

Difficulties, hardships, calamities came, but as soon as I learned to stop putting me, me, me in the equation, my life became easier.

I didn’t study and pass the exam. I studied and Allah passed the exam for me. I didn’t earn money and had enough for the month. I earned money and Allah made it enough. I didn’t cook good food enjoyed by my guests, I cooked food and Allah made it delicious in the mouth of my guests; they enjoyed.

It was never from me. I have no power in anything that I do. Everything that I have seen as successful in my life was never on my own efforts. Not one single bit of it. I’m coming off my high horse, crumbling, humbling myself to the ground. I prostrate myself before you, Allah. You are ٱلْقَوِيُّ Al-Qawiyyu, the most Perfect Power.

The sooner I realised, the more I trusted, the easier life became. The jet-black perfectionist cloud lifted away over my head.

Why do I need to worry about the things I have no control of? It’s exhausting, it’s pointless, it’s a waste of time and energy. Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. I simply just have to do my best in life, in the ways of Allah, and really, really, really trust Allah for the outcome (everything is good for the believer —Tawakkul 2.0, next newsletter!).

Tawakkul (trust) - it sounds hard in the beginning to fully put your heart into it, but as soon as you get it, it will be the most effortless move in your life. This spiritual sweetness that I’m tasting, masha’Allah! You can get through anything. I promise.

If you type ‘trust’ in Quran.com, it comes up in 50 pages, 151 verses, minimum. Here’s a favourite from An-Nisa verse 131-132:

So, why am I in Liverpool?

I am here, at this time, doing what I’m doing, surrounded by the people that I am with, for a purpose. Have I really discovered the whole purpose? No. But one thing that I do know is that I trust Allah’s plans for me. He only wants goodness for me, and it may be that me being here, is the best place I need to be to receive His religion, to re-learn about Islam. Maybe I don’t necessarily need to be in a Muslim-majority country. Maybe not right now. It is my Rabb’s perfect plan for me; I trust and I obey.

As my cherished friend, Aalia, wrote to me:

And with that, I hope my writings today bring you calmness, solace and peace, knowing that you too, yes you my dear reader, wherever you are right now, at whatever stage in life you’re in, you are at the most perfect place Allah wants you to be.

There are no coincidences in Islam.

Just, trust.